This is an article about breastfeeding, so for all those who are men or are not interested, here's your disclosure.
You know the story of the prophet Elisha and the widow? In II Kings 4:1-7, a widowed woman is in dire need and has nothing but a little oil. Elisha tells her to fill many large jugs with the little bit of oil - which sounds ludicrous, but she obeys. Lo and behold, the oil just keeps flowing until all those jugs are filled, and from the widow's deficit her house is filled with what will settle her debts and bring her profit.
When I started needing to supplement with formula with my first child when she was about 4 weeks, a panic set in. I didn't want to use formula, I wanted to feed Autumn only natural and nourishing things, and mother's milk is the unchallenged champion in that match. At about 6 weeks I was completely out of milk and felt like the worst failure of a mother there ever was. I tried crazy things to try and get the milk back, but I was fearful AND working full-time, so nothing helped.
With this child I vowed to take it easy, drink lots of fluids, eat really well and feed her through one year. At first I had plenty, and even stocked about two dozen bags of milk in the freezer. Then we started going on dates again, and leaving the frozen milk with our friends to use when they watched the girls. Then we took a long trip via car to the east coast for Christmas. Now this week Olivia was too hungry to fall asleep at night twice, and I fed her the last two bags.
Yesterday I pumped all I could after every feeding and had only one measly ounce to give her at the end of the day. She just needs one more feeding than I have in me. Last night I took out one of the cans of Enfamil one of my friends gave us. It's sitting on the counter, like defeat, staring at me. But when she went to sleep last night and slept till this morning without needing more than that extra salvaged ounce, I gained a little ground.
This morning I woke feeling like I had no milk. How could I make enough to keep this 4 month old baby that's wearing 9 month clothes full? I remembered what I'd told a friend - that just as the widow trusted God enough to obey the prophet's crazy instructions, we have to trust that He'll give our children nourishment when we don't have enough to give. I don't know if He'll have it come from formula or from me, have me take herbs and drink teas or do a miracle, but I trust Him.
"Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!"
This makes my heart ache for you! I don't know a thing about breastfeeding ... but I do know about feeling helpless and disappointment. I'll be praying for God to step in as Boss.
ReplyDeleteHi, I'm an old friend of Jason's and I follow your blog! Since becoming a mom myself (2 years ago) and working with young kids for 6 years before that, I've realized that there's so many issues for mothers that aren't openly discussed and feelings of inadequacy and guilt are two that top the list for me. This is especially true when you're the sole provider of nutrition for a young baby. It's a lot of pressure! Hang in there and if you stick with it I'm sure things will work for you! Even if you have to supplement small amounts of formula (after you've already fed from the breast) until the baby is satisfied, know that YOU'RE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN!!! You say she only needs one more feeding than you have in you, so she's getting the majority of nutrition from her mama and you should be proud of that- bottom line. Cheers to you lady and know that there are MANY that share in your stuggle even if they're not comfortable discussing!
ReplyDeleteOh I so understand this. Breastfeeding was so difficult for me and I struggled with the feelings of defeat. Praying for God's Grace and Peace for you whatever the solution is.
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