25 Years to Beautiful

Weight was always a huge struggle for me.  When I was really little, I remember someone saying something about my "knobby" knees.  Throughout middle school and high school, kids would ask if I was anorexic, say their parents thought I had an eating disorder, and call me names like "The Valley of the Shadow of Death."  I remember well the rhyme, "Danielle, Danielle, she's skinny as h-" ...you get the picture.  Two of my college roommates went through my trash, then sat me down to tell me about their "genuine concerns" about my low weight and eating habits, which had obviously led to my unattractive and horribly thin stature.  Even after I was married, when I shared my struggles with my appearance and worries about eating in restaurants for fear of what someone might think if I didn't finish my plate, a friend took the opportunity to let me know she thought I was horribly underweight and had an eating disorder.  I tried peanut butter banana ice cream shakes, protein shakes, and anything else that others promised would help me gain a few pounds.  I always felt guilty for not eating and weighing more.  

This is a photo of me from yesterday, just after my shower. My hair's still wet, and I had no intention of taking this photo until after I'd already put on my clothes and walked the dogs.  But I think I look beautiful here.  More importantly, I think there's nothing of note about my body at all. I just see a sweet picture here, no heartache, no ugliness.  Nothing but me and my daughter and a pile of dirty clothes.

My entire young life was spent agonizing over what clothes I could wear to make myself look less thin, what I could do to avoid others' negative attention.  In fact, until just 3 years ago, I consistently hated my body.  

For some reason, becoming a mother completely changed my opinion on my appearance.  I suddenly felt normal and beautiful, and I realized all this time the problem had not been my body, but rather the way others made me feel (reminds me of the whole being "saved in childbearing" thing from I Tim 2:15).  I even came to see that adopting the negative attitudes from others regarding my frame had begun to weigh in on both my attitude towards others and my ability to accept love - even the love of God.  I do not hold against them the things people have said - I know they had no idea what an affect it had on me.  And even if they did, Christ already paid for their mistakes.  I have no right to hold it over their heads.  This body of mine, which is the product of mainly German and Swiss bloodlines, can be called an ectomorphic body type and does not store fat or build muscle easily.  As kids my parents looked just like I did when I was a kid.  And that's why no amount of peanut butter banana ice cream shakes could change me.  

My point in writing this is to remember that words have frightening power.  James 3:3-10 says: 

"When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go.   Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.  With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be."

As a mom, I've caught myself in the heat of anger, or simply without thought, speaking things over my children that I should not say and do not want to stay with them.  I have to think first, then speak in love to my kids - and to everyone in my path, for that matter.  Attempting to exert physical or psychological control on another person, rather than giving them and their situation up to God in prayer, will only lead to pain.

More clearly than every negative comment about my body, I remember the many words that were said in my defense - especially those spoken by my parents, my high school best friend, and my husband.  It took so many of them to counter one hateful word.  So if you have a daughter, or you are regularly in contact with a young woman, please take every opportunity to build her up - regardless of her weight or features.   Where others have spoken death and curses, speak truth and life into her. Because 25 years is a long road to beautiful.