Battle of Will

I have something to confess: when my midwives said they wouldn't have me do a sonogram until the first of September, I thought for sure that was plenty of time for the little man to make his grand entrance.  It completely settled my fears of having to be induced because I was "way past due" in the eyes of the medical profession and "needing" intervention.  But now that Sept 1 is only two days away, I'm starting to consider that I may actually have to get the sonogram.  Being a "cash patient," I am keenly aware of what the sonogram costs and I don't, frankly, want to pay for it.  Now, that's a way to start out as someone's parent!  "Welcome to the world...I don't want to pay $160 to make sure you're okay." 

I know he's okay.  I have no reason to think otherwise; he moves quite a bit, even at this late stage, and I have no maternal instinct radar going off like something's wrong.  He's not a huge baby, and I'm not concerned about him getting too big.  Anyway, that money could be saved in case of an emergency or used for one of the many repairs this house needs.  Up until this point, I've certainly been more concerned about this child's welfare than my own convenience, wanting him to be born on his own and naturally.  But this morning I woke up and wondered if I should try something to get labor going.  Why the change?  The baby's movements and my "mommy-dar" haven't changed. My feet are still swollen but I'm still not otherwise in much pain.  All that is still the same.

Here's my confession: I don't trust God's provision and wisdom in timing enough to happily pay the ultrasound fee and leave the necessity of it to God.  He gave us every cent we think we own, and He can give us an extra $160 to account for this spending.  Heck, it's not like we're going to hurt by paying for it.  He's already provided enough that we can pay without pain.  After all God's done for us, after all the financial struggles we've gone through in the last 3 years that have ended in blessing, how am I still at a point of not trusting Him?

For me, this sudden wish to have my membranes stripped or to take some herbs or drink castor oil is a sign of something nasty in my heart.  I'm not saying it would be the same for anyone else, and I hope that's clear in this post.  But by my own conscience I know that God is asking me to wait it out - perhaps even as long as we waited past our closing date for this house - and to seek to force the birth right now is rebellion against Him.  I have to put it in such plain terms; otherwise I'd be tempted to pass it off as something less serious.  But I want to obey, and I want to trust Him.  During the past 3 weeks my heart has vacillated between joyful obedience and discontentment.  I don't want to waver any more.